Some Feelings and Thoughts.
So here i am again to start that repiticious circle.
Here i am forced to not only miss him, i'm going to miss You too.
Its not so long, the distance, but they tend to over power the times i see your face when the distance happens
every two and a half days. No more time just to lay around, life becomes undefinate, and the times now we can hold each other are monitered by the simple idea that i am not capable to handle myself due to i am 17.How am i all of a sudden ready to take care of myself at 18, but not now? It dosent make any sence to me.
Treated with more respect when im 18, its not like i instantly change or anything. It dosent make sence, im ready now.
Just i guess you could say im pretty lonely....
I dont have a solid person i can just tell everything to...
And the reason its so hard is im waiting for everything to go back to normal, but the change is now the normal.
Its so frusterating.
There's never someone always there anymore.
Its hard to say because i hate saying that. I want people to believe that im the exact oposite of this.
I think because im afraid of judgement.
I have my hobbies, my things, my friends.
Just not something solid anymore.
nothing is for sure.
you cant live like that.
and here soon, its all about to change again.
Its hard not knowing whats going on. With both my best friends gone, life gets a little dimmer.
Monday hits and im sad. Not because of sterotypical work week or college classes fill my day again, its because i know i cant talk to either of them as i please. There is no chance joel is going to call and the one phone call ill get due to skyler being out of town will happen while i work.
but i digress, i talked with joel today for an hour.
We talked deep, i guess you could say.
He's grown up a lot. I cant even imagine what hes going through...
He's sending me dogtags. He made replicas for me to ware, but instead is giving me the ones that are his, the ones that he made his struggle with. his blood, sweat and tears.
I dont know what to do.
He's telling me he deciding how he cares for me, and thats uneasy for me.
I hope he doesnt put me in a situation, i need him in my life.
but ...
I love skyler.
I love him so much.
He's been there for me more than i think anyone ever has.
I just worry about how he feels about joel.
he says he likes joel, but thats the mature thing to do...
once again, its not solid...
i guess all in all.
im tierd of always the change.
13.4.08
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Hey girly I am sorry for the struggles that you have with your feelings. It must be hard not knowing what to do, or what to feel. I know that you are wanting your freedom and you need it. It will come soon I promise! Also, you are never truley alone you know that. you can trust me if you need to, I promise that it will stay between you and I. I am saddened to read that you feel this way and wish that it was easier for you but that's just it, life is never easy. It is filled with bad moments and choices that no one wants to make...ever. Just follow your heart and know that good things happen to those who wait. I am hear if you ever need to talk. I know that I am not in your age group and that there is always that fear that I will tell. But I won't. I want your trust so that if something really bad happens and you feel as though you cannot go to your parents that you always have me. I would never betray that trust...At first it was a hard decision for me, being a mother and all but I decided that if I am going to be a good mother I need to be able to listen without judgement and you are my practice... Just keep your head up.
Love,
Tricia
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