Joel

Im tierd of being patient,
and dreaming of a day
Tired of being worried
The greatest price there is to pay
Im tired of being strong
Tuned the vibration of a phone
Tired of being disappointed
Constantly checking, rhetorically prone

Really Fast written feelings i wish to express.

That mark was the best and the worst mistake
Shows the friends who stick, and those there to take
Uncertainty in feeling, uncertainty in what shows
If you never sit and down and ask, you'll simply never know.

I dont want your looks, i want simply your questions
I want only your advice and only your suggestions.
Im gonna turn into a woman, see myself is to blame
Im done with you thinking that i play a screwed up game.

It was weakness on display, not a matter of our hearts
Im sorry i mislead you and again tore our world apart.
It wasent intentional, giving you pain....it hurts me...
Im jsut with someone else....who my pain, i refuse them to see.

So with that stated, i must tell you what that means
Thats why i get so cold and so torn at the seams.
I dont handle the stress well, which of course you know
but im sorry the words come out so hurtful and low.

And i know we'll depart, and maybe never talk again
Just know that you're in my heart, a past lover, a friend
I cant bare to think what this will do to you
or what its will do to me.
we can just sit back and reminece one day.
we can one day.......dream.

A simple action (un edited-flow problems)

He grabs her body
blood rushing to her face
a simple action, a simple gesture
leads to pathetic mistakes
He corrupts their friendship
And, oh, he will do it again
a simple action, a simple gesture
the wrong message they send
And with her mind screaming no
With her body screaming yes
Her strength weakens to familiar
To touch her, he knows best.
Yet shes fighting with herself
Because another holds her heart
A simple action, a simple gesture
Hes in the back of her mind, the dark
With loyalty in the shadows,
and all strength dwindled to nothing
and him touching her curves.... scratching.... roughing



she gave in.

Your holding my emotions in your hand, crushing them.
Squeezing, the pain fills, and i cant breathe.
Your pulling me around, dragging me, rubbing my skin in the gravel, making it sting worse.
I couldnt breathe, the pathetic loneliness passes, and the stages of resentment make the air toxic.
So i guess i still cant breathe.
I almost cant do this anymore. grasping gets harder and harder.
I dont want to be around you anymore.
Yet, sickly, im captivated...i cant leave your side.
The worst part, your treating this as if you werent killing me.
I know you dont hurt as bad as i do.

To you, you know who you are, i cant do this much longer.
i get it, i fucked up.
but dont you see how remorsful i am?
dont you see how bad this is effecting me?
and honestly, i'd like to sleep again.

Reply: so ya...

So heres my thoughts and questions:

We wont break, we wont die, its just the moment that shakes.

Thoughts: We are cleansing emotionally. Thats what i think. I think its the one thing thats going to save this. A few days away from each other to think, as mad as i got, even though it was my idea, you're actually forcing it. You know me better than anyone else, you know you are doing the right thing.

I know you are trying. Did you ever think that maybe its im needing something big...not just a million small things. Something that sticks out, something you remember your whole life, you know? That room full of flowers, something out of the ordinary. SO much happens in my life emotionally, not all of it sticks. Thats why i dont see the small things, they dont stick in my mind untill you remind me.
You're actions DO matter, they will never be habitual and unimportant.

Questions:

i've walked a mile in your shoes and they didnt fit.

I have not accused you of not caring completely. I've accused you of not caring the way you should. If you did, you would make sure im safe and protected; i wasent. Im still hurt and aprehensive.
How do i know you'll be there to make me feel special and protect me in the future when you havent shown it?
Your blog says "I do know that i havent made you feel special in the past, and im trying to change things, but change is a slow painful process sometimes.
So to make me feel special is a slow painful process?? [thats kinda messed up]
I do see that you are trying to change, i DONT want YOU to change, i just want to be reminded what i am to you. I know you think, its just nice to be reasured at least once.
I tell you that i see it eventually, so why do you still believe none of it counts to me??
Why is it im asking these questions, why dont want to make me feel like the most beautiful, special, amazing person in your life [[like how its supposed to be...like it used to be]]??

Comments: ??

New! stuff.

JOBS: :((
Today was my first day off in two weeks. Two jobs is tough. People really dont understand how stressful it is or how much time it takes...which leads me too: friends im sorry if i have been a bad friend and it seems like i disapeared or not talking to you..Its because i work all the time now. I dont mean to be like that, but its not like this was my choice..days over 12hrs long of working are not my favorite.
bear rock-its ok. im excited as hell to quit it though. The people there are just ok..no one that sticks out to me. Im also at that stage where im still 'new' so everything thinks they have to tell me what to do...when i was actually on my way to go do that..
dominoes-its cool sean works there now. he's a fast learner, which is easy on me...plus this job is easier and i make more than the other one. :D

SKYLER: ♥
We're great. We just went through a shady spot..but we are so much better because of it. Im sure we had our nine month anniversary already...BUT since we forgot our original date...we made up the 17th..so tommorow is our nine month anniversary. We wont see each other though. I go to work [[and close]] at 5..which is when he gets off..like normal. People really dont understand how little we see each other.

FRIENDS: <3.
Speaking of nine month anniversaries. Emma Sophia was born this morning at 4:42[[? dont know exact minute]] this morning. :D I get to meet her tommorow. im excited. Im sure jeriel is hella exhausted though...natural birth for the lose.
its so crazy..we knew each other when we were little..and now she has a little one.

Jeriel: Congradulatons! im so excited. Im sure she's as beautiful as you are :D
Which..you have a new born..so ill just tell you that in person cause you wont be reading this. lol.

Joel: i miss you. Im sorry you hate it there D: And im sorry you had shit stolen from you. thats lame.
BUT hurry up and come home, christmas is too far away. but you can take your time..i dont want you going to iraq. screw that.

Amanda: im sorry about your surgery. I wish i could make all the money disapear in the world right now...
im sorry your stuck in a hole with no way out. thats unfair. But hey, at least you can even think about doing college cheer :D. im gonna pray for you

Kyra: we need to double date. yes? and i'd like to see where you decided to live next chance i can actually find time to have a life. and congradulations again! that purposal was tight.

FAMILY:
never see them anymore.
ever.

so thats all the new stuff.
vaugly.

It gets hard.

Im sitting here, trying to organize the mess that is my mind. I lay here in wonder about this whole love thing.
I feel like i fell to fast again because what i've said, he wont repeat. We've gotten past the "i love you" already. Just there is something more complex involved now.

I feel embarrassed. Like he should've been the first, not me. Maybe i jumped the gun? I feel so strongly for him, never like i have for anyone before. But if its real like i believe, why is he hesitating? I said "i love you forever." I know...i know...i've done this before. Now im with a different guy, and he's off in texas and single. Whatever. That was different. The problem here is that why is he more scared of commitment than i am? I mean, i've been through a lot rougher, and here i am wanting another man on his knee. Am i seriously just in love with being in permenant love...or am i?
Why did i even second guess that. *Bonk* I am...

I guess..the things worth fighting for and waiting for are the things that are the most worthy or your time?

I asked him why he's scared. He just wants to be completely sure...and i tell him there is no 100% chance of knowing that. And thats why he says thats where he is...never make something permanet. Dont set goals that can break.
He's just protecting himself i guess...its the only reasoning that i can think of that keeps me sain. That keeps me from not having a torn heart. I got off the phone with him earlier tonight...he had to sleep...he left during the conversation...we hung up and i just felt that pain in my chest..and i started to cry.

Baby it hurts to wait, but ill do it.
you're the only one for me.